The movie begins with the birth of a sex toy invented in Shagistan in 1898 by Deepak Rushdie Obi Ben Kingsley, and tells the story of the subsequent decline of the British Empire as seen through the eyes of a Piano. The Piano narrates the tale of Dick; his two cousins: Emma, an emotionally stunted English girl; her kleptomaniac sister Helena and their dipsomaniac Aunt Maggie who all live together in a large, rambling, Edwardian novel. When the Reverend Whoopsie discovers a piano on a beach, a plot is set afoot that can be solved only by a private Dick, the incomprehensible Scottish sleuth Inspector McGuffin, who with the aid of Sergeant Ken Russell finally reveals the identity of the Houndsditch Mutilator.

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